Fame Whoring and Growing Up

Yesterday I saw a video of Courtney Stodden (17yrs old) and her loving husband, Doug Hutchison (51yrs old), who is dressed as Santa Claus. Courtney, in typical fashion, is dressed in a tiny red bikini and sits precariously on Santa Doug’s lap while she rocks around and gyrates, in what I naturally assume is a desperate attempt to keep from falling off his lap and into the snow. Brrrr…

Courtney is such a generous girl that she offers to turn the tables and visit Santa instead this year. She wants him to experience the full effect of Christmas and lets him know that she wants to slide down his chimney. What a sweet girl!

In all honesty, I have no idea why they happened to be whoring themselves out to paparazzi, and whoever else was unlucky enough to be nearby on this particular day. Maybe it was for their first Christmas card as a married couple, but I digress.

I fully understand that her parents gave permission for Courtney to marry her “soul mate” at 16, but this is disgusting and it still involves a minor. Even if they were filmed by bystanders as the couple participated in a personal photo shoot, shouldn’t the pictures still be considered to be sexual objectification of a 17 year old girl. Her parents may have signed off on her getting married, but I don’t think they signed her up for underage porn.

I’m not a prude by any stretch of the imagination, but I don’t get why the objectification of children is meeting such little resistance in society these days. It seems that children today are racing to get to what they perceive as adulthood (which seems to manifest itself in the form of skimpy clothes and babies at 16) and too few people are stepping up to remind them that they aren’t going to have any idea what to do with adulthood until they’re much older. My God, I’m 33 and I still don’t have the hang of it all the time.

I wish everybody would just stop pushing kids to grow up so quickly. I, for one, think my childhood wasn’t long enough to begin with.

Friends With Kids

A lot of my friends have kids. My best friend has three under the age of 6. I love all three of them as individual entities, but there are occasions when I’m left alone with them for extended periods of time that make me question their mother’s sanity in deciding to procreate. Last weekend could best be described as watching three dogs tree a squirrel. They can be so sweet and loving at times, but you can see that they’re plotting something when you look in their eyes.

These are the kids that are going to tie up their babysitter as soon as they know where the rope is. I don’t attribute it to parenting as much as I do their mother’s youth. Karma is a bitch at best and simply has a twisted sense of humor at worst. I’m betting karma isn’t so much worried about everything I’ve done, as it is laughing till it can’t breathe where I’m concerned. Karma knows what’s coming for me.

As of right now I’m not planning on tackling raising any Mini-Me’s anytime soon. As I type these words, the oldest of these children is trying to climb up the back of my shirt, one toddler is running around in circles wearing a motorcycle helmet and the other just handed me back what was my glass of water. I’m sure the contents now consist of two solid ounces of backwash.

I don’t plan on having kids, but the idea isn’t abhorrent to me. I just want to make sure there’s a dad around to do things like discipline them, help me out, buy stock in whatever pharmaceutical company makes Xanax and go get me ice cream if I ever find myself craving some at 3 a.m. I’ve often thought about avoiding the whole pregnancy thing completely and just adopting some 17 year old that’s already potty trained. I can just send them to college and feel like I’ve given back to society.

“Congratulations on your graduation little Timmy! Have fun in college. I’ll send a check for tuition. See you at Christmas.”

When I kept the girls over night last weekend their mom called after I had them in bed to find out how things were. When asked what I was doing now that they were asleep, I told the truth.

“I just took a Xanax. Now I’m curled up in the fetal position sucking my thumb.” It all has to come full circle sometime.