My Record Cake Collection

Friends With Kids

on May 26, 2008

A lot of my friends have kids. My best friend has three under the age of 6. I love all three of them as individual entities, but there are occasions when I’m left alone with them for extended periods of time that make me question their mother’s sanity in deciding to procreate. Last weekend could best be described as watching three dogs tree a squirrel. They can be so sweet and loving at times, but you can see that they’re plotting something when you look in their eyes.

These are the kids that are going to tie up their babysitter as soon as they know where the rope is. I don’t attribute it to parenting as much as I do their mother’s youth. Karma is a bitch at best and simply has a twisted sense of humor at worst. I’m betting karma isn’t so much worried about everything I’ve done, as it is laughing till it can’t breathe where I’m concerned. Karma knows what’s coming for me.

As of right now I’m not planning on tackling raising any Mini-Me’s anytime soon. As I type these words, the oldest of these children is trying to climb up the back of my shirt, one toddler is running around in circles wearing a motorcycle helmet and the other just handed me back what was my glass of water. I’m sure the contents now consist of two solid ounces of backwash.

I don’t plan on having kids, but the idea isn’t abhorrent to me. I just want to make sure there’s a dad around to do things like discipline them, help me out, buy stock in whatever pharmaceutical company makes Xanax and go get me ice cream if I ever find myself craving some at 3 a.m. I’ve often thought about avoiding the whole pregnancy thing completely and just adopting some 17 year old that’s already potty trained. I can just send them to college and feel like I’ve given back to society.

“Congratulations on your graduation little Timmy! Have fun in college. I’ll send a check for tuition. See you at Christmas.”

When I kept the girls over night last weekend their mom called after I had them in bed to find out how things were. When asked what I was doing now that they were asleep, I told the truth.

“I just took a Xanax. Now I’m curled up in the fetal position sucking my thumb.” It all has to come full circle sometime.

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