To the asshole that saw me drop my iPod today,
My best friend came looking for it 10 minutes later. Thankfully, you’d already scooped it up. You must be smarter than the average person I see rummaging through garbage cans, because you’d managed to complete a factory reset on it and make it your own by the time I got home from work. Thanks for stealing all my music, you giant sack of rotting horse shit. I guess returning things to their owner just proves to be too difficult for most.